About one and a half years apart, these two sets of photos are light years different. I’m sure you can see the physical differences, but let me explain a bit more about why I feel the woman in the left-hand photos is almost a completely different person to the woman in the right-hand photos.
In 2016 when the first two photos were taken, I was so, so lost. I think I hid it well because I did have the joy of friendships in my life, but if you could see my vibrations at the time, they would have been slow, sad, and grey. I felt left behind, limited, and unworthy of basically anything other than dreariness. I don’t know how or where this came from, other than my heart was off from the path I was supposed to be on.
It felt like a year of letdowns. My uncle, who I felt was a symbol of unconditional and limitless love, died and I was left alone in the dark when this happened. My post-secondary education was complete and I needed to adjust to life in a post-grad world where I didn’t have school friends at the ready. My parents split up in a way that made me feel like I was also a part of this separation, and with all this combined, I felt like there was no facet in life in which I could succeed.
I was immensely unhappy, isolated, and rejected. I had daydreams of moving far, far away and living life in a foreign country where everything was different, bizarre, and new. These thoughts were my wildest dreams, but eventually I gave into them. Somehow I plucked up enough courage to believe in myself and allow myself to start this new journey.
Even then, it was rocky. I would lie awake at night crying, praying my visa application would be accepted and everything would work out. The day I received approval from the British government isn’t the most important day of my life — that would be the day I packed my bags and left — and it wasn’t really even the beginning of this journey, but it was a sign and a push from the Universe that everything would be okay.
Over the past year and half, I’ve learned to trust the Universe and myself, and to stick to my guns. I’ve learned that good things happen as soon as I decide they will. I’ve learned to trust myself and that my heart is my strongest companion. BUT, I’ve also learned it’s okay to trust people, even though it can be a risk.
See, the thing about me that people don’t often understand is that I am more introverted than I seem. YES, I love meeting new people, I love hearing their stories, and I love making connections, BUT I also feel overwhelmed at parties, I feel washed out spending time in groups, I crave solid alone time, I function best when travelling solo, and I sometimes feel uncomfortable when people show me affection, whether they’re taking consideration of my time or trying to give me a hug when I’m crying. Taking this big journey and moving halfway across the world has helped me to understand these qualities in myself and to realize that even though I’m a friendly person, that doesn’t mean I have to be “on” all the time or giving my energy to people who feed off of it. It’s okay that I need to be quiet or solitary, but at the same time, I don’t need to adopt a life of isolation in order to feel strong, as that’s another tendency I have.
When I feel alone, I become spiteful and take on a very “fuck you” attitude. I become resentful and jealous of people who are surrounded by love and friendship and almost feel the need to prove that I’m strong enough to endure without any support or help.
But that’s not the point of life, is it? We’re not supposed to merely endure. We’re supposed to heal, grow, learn, and love. Since I left home, that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s not always easy, but (almost) everyday I’m taking little steps to break past my conceived limits.
The biggest limit I’ve broken free from is the idea of small towns. Because of some experiences I had as a child, I’ve always felt it was necessary to limit myself to rural communities. I think there is a special type of camaraderie and closeness in small towns, however I took this feeling to the extreme and told myself that I needed the comfort of a tight community because I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, or tough enough to live in an urban area. As a result, I wore resentment on my sleeve at the idea of being a city kid.
I will always love cattle and talking about corn crops, but since I moved to London (population eight million) I’ve learned that’s not the only side of my personality. I have lived in small towns before, but that doesn’t mean I am small. This realization and the non-judgemental vibe of London have freed me so indescribably.
Today I stand before you a confident and spirited young woman, as evidenced by the right-hand photos above. I’m wacky, silly, crazy, and rather odd, but in a way that is the most “me” I’ve ever been. I put time, effort, and thought into my clothing, using fashion to express myself through ice cream cone sundresses and sparkly Doc Martens. I take on hobbies that are good for my heart. I surround myself with people I genuinely want in my life rather than who’s convenient or available. I speak my mind (well, I’ve never really had a problem with that) and I don’t feel guilty about issues that are not my own.
I’m still working toward the woman I want to be and I’m still raising my vibrations and my hopes, but I’m so happy to be where I am today.
So to all the sad, lost, and self-deprecating souls out there: you’re not alone. There is soooo much love out there in the Universe for you, and no matter who you are or who you have been, you deserve that love fully and completely. Whatever your wildest dreams are, they will come true if you just believe in them. And if you ever need a sign from the Universe, well just give me a call, and we’ll do an angel card reading and hit you with some divine realness.